I started running, reader peeps.
Well, not really running. Elliptical. Which is kind of running, but indoors (and still feels a little like cheating to me).
So, the picture above is where I kept track of my times and how far I’ve gone. The elliptical is accurate on time. I don’t know how accurate it is on distance, which is the second column of numbers.
The first day I was doing this, June 8th, I did not really want to get on the elliptical. I knew I needed to, I knew I should, but I was procrastinating. But I did it. Then I was talking to a friend about it afterward and he told me that I had gone over 5k.
As a kid, I hated running. I was slow. My chest hurt afterward. I came in last because all the other kids were faster. As a teen and even up to the last year, running was not something I could see myself doing. Not in a house, not with a mouse. Not with a goat, not on a boat. I did play with the idea a bit last year. But I never actually did it.
And then this. June 8th. I run over a 5k? (By the way, 5k=3.1 miles.)
It was a huge confidence boost.
For the next week, I did the elliptical every day. I got up early, excited to run on Saturday, the 9th. Almost every day I would talk to my friend about running, sharing time/distance and asking questions (he has been running longer than me). Everything has been going beautifully. I’ve learned to hydrate pre-run so I don’t get a headache. I’ve learned that music works, Netflix does not. I’ve learned that I really have to warm up my knees and ankles pre-run. I’m kind of excited by obstacle races and would love to do one eventually.
Then two days ago, I start thinking about how I could take this running outside. Partially so I can figure out if I really can run 5k.
I live in Middle Of Nowhere, Indiana on a good sized property, but not in a town. I live out in the country. So it’s not like I can run around our town on the sidewalks or anything like that. So. How do I take this outside?
Run around the yard.
Now, to do this I need two things: a way to keep track of time and a way to keep track of distance.
Time is a minor issue. That’s what watches are for. Distance however…
So, I ask my dad how big our property is in miles. I figure I can lap the yard however many times to equal that 3.1 miles. We do the math.
About 4 laps around the yard is 1 mile.
Which means that 3 miles is 12 laps around the yard.
Holy plot bunnies…
I wish that I could end this post with a heartwarming underdog victory and tell you how I absolutely did run 12 laps around my yard and I feel great about it.
But I haven’t done it yet.
I asked my dad about distance yesterday. Yesterday was kinda an emotional mess. Yesterday the morning elliptical went poorly and I wasn’t happy about how it turned out (it was a slow run, because I was sore, and Netflix made it go by too fast, so I felt like it had been too easy– seriously, guys, Netflix does NOT WORK FOR THIS). Yesterday I wanted to do everything and nothing. Yesterday food was making me feel sick.
Yesterday I asked my dad about the distance for running the perimeter of our yard. 12 laps for 3 miles.
Peeps, I’m terrified. Our yard is huge. For years, I’ve gotten tired just walking to the garden and back and that’s only half the yard.
On the one hand, the elliptical could be accurate enough and I can totally handle 12 laps around the yard. On the other hand, the elliptical could be horrifically inaccurate and I can’t make it at all.
And maybe that’s a completely stupid thing to be worried about. 5k is a huge amount. So what if I can’t run it?
I’m not sure that I’ve ever had Impostor Syndrome with writing. I’ve had times where I wonder if I can really write, sure. But worrying about being a fraud is not quite accurate there. That’s more of just writerly doubt, I think.
I might have Impostor Syndrome with running, though. A fear of finding out that I’m not really that good. That there’s no way that the 5k is accurate if I’m dying after one lap around the yard. It’s so inaccurate that it’s laughable. That I’m laughable. That I should’ve never tried running in the first place and there’s no point in continuing to try. That I was living in delusion. That I am a fraud.
So here we are. I want to run outside. I want to know.
At the same time, I don’t want to know at all. I’m terrified. My bubble of ignorance is safe.
But I think that if I don’t find out on my own, the truth will come out sooner or later. And if I find out sooner, I have a chance to improve before later.
Today is a rest day. Today is a day to read and write, two things which have been a bit ignored this week. Today is to recover, a day to rise from the ashes.
Tomorrow is a day to brush off the ashes and put back on my running shoes. Tomorrow, I will run.